Supposed to do?

Was I supposed to accomplish something this year..?

Was I supposed to somehow manage to find peace in your death?
Was I supposed to find God?

Was I supposed to be stronger, better, a rock?
Was I supposed to pack, unpack and repack my over 50lbs of emotional baggage?

Spoiler alert, Dad.
I did none of those things.
And let me tell ya, that extra $100 dollars in baggage fees issa real bitch.

So what did I do? 

Well.
I resented and avoided. I pushed away.
I pretended and deflected.

But I also bought Cinnabon cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning (and proceeded to eat the entire box alone) thinking of all the Christmas mornings spent with you, ma and Spenie.

I taught spin classes to your playlist. "I LOVE your music!"
Did you know you can do sprint intervals to Brick House?
(do you even know what a sprint interval is?... )

I thought about you fondly, and often.

I had Valentines. Mom, Spen and Cherry were a close, close second.

And I realized, finally - how significant of a role you really played in keeping us all connected.

All said and done, I'm still not super sure what it is one is suppsoed to do.
An anniversary of someones death is weird, right?
You'd think this shit was weird.

Am I meant to miss you more today?
Is the assumption that I am not equally as sad the rest of the 365?
Should I drown myself in mac and cheese and ritz crackers? (probs)

I wish I could be one of those people who take the day to completely embrace the loss and celebrate your life. We'll get there. Maybe.

For now a 13 hour work shift will suffice. Avoidance remember? It's not like you didn't leave me here still a full blown Clark.

Thinking of you. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow.
Feel free to transfer money into my checking when you get a chance.
Those baggage fees wont pay for themselves, and I hear cigars up there are free.

xxoo
#52